in heaven’s name why do you play these games

Four Thoughts, Disconnected

1.)  I have a friend who believes he can make me more confident by pointing out my physical flaws. He wants me to be as confident naked as I’m clothed (which is generally highly self-confident.) Like it’s his mission. We’re coming to the end of one part of our relationship, and we’ll stay friends because we make each other laugh, and we care about each other. Just not That Way. And pointing out my flaws, in that playful way, with the “but I still find you hot” tag line just makes me stabby and sad.

It’s a hostile kind of caring, telling me what I need to improve, what I need to “get over.” At the same time, he’s so proud of me for losing weight, but it somehow ends up feeling conditional, and, of course, his new girlfriend doesn’t look like me. (I’d feel strange if she did. I don’t want to be a fetish.)

Telling me I’m not confident is not helpful. It’s triggering to my old insecurity, my belief that I will never be enough to be loved That Way. Of course, I’m not always confident about my body. I live in this culture. I’m a product of years of being a fat teen, a fat girl, a fat adult. I’m a woman. And I’m aware of my flaws. Don’t list them for me. And give me some new worries. A mole on my back. Pores. Save me from helpful men.

2.)  In other news, we got very drunk and took the 36-Question Challenge that was in last week’s Modern Love column. And, surprising no one, we did not fall in love. In fact, it was clear why we weren’t ever going to fall in love. We know each other, but we are not that INTERESTED in each other. The stakes are low, and they’ll always stay low. But it was fun to do, and I think I’d love it with someone I really was interested in That Way.

3.)  The Woman Who Wasn’t Loved Enough: A Memoir. A little truth that came out of a conversation with Summer Guy. That’s me, working to fill a big hole. One way or another.

4.)  I don’t know if I have much more to say today. I’m not in the wilderness, but I don’t see the road. January feels like this. It gets better.

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About mtromano

I am mtromano on almost every platform. Find me.
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