I Carry This With Me

  1. I used to love books and reading and writing, but I’m so distracted by the world around me (and on my phone) that I only finish a book under book club time pressure. I’m embarrassed and sad because reading was a core part of my identity.
  2. I used the KonMari Method on my books last year and donated over 600 volumes to the library. I hope they didn’t end up in the landfill. I hope they won’t haunt me. But I needed to shed some weight.
  3. I think I could live in a houseboat, but I’ve never been on one.
  4. I learned to swim when my father threw me into the sea when I was three. He was determined that I’d learned to swim before we left Ponza, the Italian island where we’re from. I still remember the feeling of falling, of watching the sun disappear, and then, ¬†discovering an instinct to kick.
  5. My father had a heart attack right before my sixteenth birthday. He was forty-eight and a heavy smoker. He’s still alive, but an invalid now. He never smoked again.
  6. My mom survived early stage lung cancer. She never smoked herself.
  7. My sister died of colon cancer when she was forty-seven years old. Five years ago this June. I sometimes think that if I survive the next few years, I might be immortal.
  8. A few years ago, I weighed over 300 pounds. I lost quite seventy pounds and kept it off, but I’ve plateaued and it’s beginning to affect my sense of self.
  9. Taking up space is something I think about alot. I’ll always be self-conscious and aware, in a way that smaller people probably aren’t.
  10. My butt hates stools. So do I. Why choose a stool over a chair?
  11. I am a terrific procrastinator. But when I finally make a decision, I make big changes and leaps with blinding speed.
  12. I fell in love in 2015. He’s my opposite, all action, quick decisions, black and white, and I love being challenged by him. His support feels deeper to me because it’s rooted in trust that comes from curiosity and questioning. I love the way he thinks. He brings me peace.
  13. I value kindness over almost anything else.
  14. I started cooking on Sundays for the entire week of lunches. And it feels like self-love and nurturing. Riced cauliflower is my new love/obsession.
  15. I shudder if I brush a shower curtain, in or out of the shower.
  16. I remember the feel of my sister’s hand when she released her last breath, but other memories have already begun to fade. I miss her every day.
  17. I live in the Bronx and I can’t deny that it feels like failure to live in the same place where I grew up. My fear is that I will die here.
  18. I teach STEM to elementary and middle school girls. Since I was an English major and a writer, I’m surprised by how much I enjoy it and how good I am at it.
  19. Because of my weight and self-consciousness, I didn’t go swimming for many years. Six years ago, I bought a skirted bathing suit and threw myself into waters off Cape Cod. Now I own five suits and go aqua cycling.
  20. I’ve been thinking about getting a dog for at least five years.

 

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About mtromano

I am mtromano on almost every platform. Find me.
This entry was posted in #braveblogging, Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to I Carry This With Me

  1. Jack Aiello says:

    I love learning these little things about you too, Maria. Something about a bulleted lists makes it easier to catalog and understand. Oh, and get the dog already.

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